As we sat around the kitchen table the other night, a dear friend tearfully expressed sadness and frustration with herself about an outburst she’d had during a dinner together. “I don’t know why I got so upset!” She said, “If it wasn’t for me, that evening would have been perfect!” We had talked it through at the time, and I assumed that it was behind us all. A surly waiter, a physically demanding day, and wine on an empty stomach–that was more than enough to make a small irritation feel much bigger in the moment.
As far as I was concerned, that incident was in the past, but for her, it was still emotionally active. She hadn’t forgiven herself for over-reacting, and admitted that it’s hard for her to let go of not having been “perfect.” I hadn’t realized that we had that tendency in common. It’s so much easier for me to see others’ less-than-ideal behavior through compassionate, forgiving eyes than my own.
Lately I’ve been reading about the importance of owning your shadow. In other words, in order to be whole, we need to acknowledge the darker aspects of who we are. Like our friend, I don’t take it lightly when I think I may have hurt someone else or been less than my “best self.” Yet if I don’t let myself be imperfect at times, I’m denying the shadow side and pretending that I’m not the flawed human that I am.
A shadow isn’t visible without light to create the contrast. As the light of awareness shines through us, we see the shadow side of the qualities we like and identify with in ourselves. Unless we stay conscious of the whole of who we are–light and dark–we tend to judge, compare and berate ourselves and others, giving the shadow more power rather than less. The more we hide from it, the more control it has over how we see ourselves and others.
You can’t change something you don’t admit is there, and it’s hard to admit what you don’t like in yourself unless you can see yourself through the eyes of loving kindness. To quote Eric Bern: “I’m not okay. You’re not okay. And that’s okay.” As Andrew and I often tell our clients, acceptance is awareness without judgment.
