Rachel wrung her hands and her big brown eyes filled with tears as she told me about the “pit of dread” she feels in her stomach when her estranged husband is coming to pick up their three children for his four-hour bi-weekly visitation. When I asked what makes her so anxious about that, she said, “I feel so small and helpless around him.” Even though he has been out of the house for more than six months, just knowing that he’s going to be coming through the door sends her back in time to when “I was always scuttling around, trying to make things perfect because I never knew what would send him into a rage.” She said that she still wakes up at night, panicked at some sound, terrified that he’s in the bedroom.
Though he never actually beat her up physically, he pushed her, held her against the wall, and forced her to have sex. Over a foot taller than she and well-built, Rachel could offer no resistance. It never occurred to her to tell anyone. Who would believe her? He is a successful, admired professional, and everyone thought she was the lucky one to have snagged such a prize, though he had actually pursued her when they met as students an Ivy League college.
“What were you thinking when you married him?” I asked Rachel, after she said that if they had met today, her 40 year-old self would be turned off by his arrogance and self-absorbed conversation, and she would never want to see him again.
“I guess I loved that he wanted me,” she replied. Her eyes widened, and she said, “I never realized that before!”
Rachel had grown up pleasing her parents, especially her mother, who retreated into icy silence if Rachel didn’t do exactly what her mother wanted. She learned very early that her sense of security and well-being depended on the more important other’s approval. This was the fertile ground for the seeds later planted by a domineering, demanding, and self-important husband. She’s been holding her ground with her mother very well since our first sessions nearly a year ago and said that their relationship, as surprising as it seems, is better than ever.
Our focus now, besides healing the trauma from living in such a continual state of anxiety while married to her husband, is to help her soothe the fear and stay in her adult self who knows she would never choose to be with someone like him again. “When you know he’s coming, tell yourself that just because he sees himself as more doesn’t make you less.”
“I like that!” She said, repeating it aloud–“Just because he thinks he’s more doesn’t make me less! I’ll write it down and stick it right here!” She said, pointing to her forehead with a smile.
“He only has the power you give him.” I reinforce. “Your 40-year-old self needs to soothe and pep-talk the part of you that is stuck in the past and reliving all the times he terrified you.”
“I can do this!” Rachel smiled, the anxious creases in her forehead smoothing out as she beamed and stood up. We scheduled our next meeting after the court date in three weeks which Mr. Wonderful has had postponed several times now.
Regardless of how it goes the next time he comes to pick up the kids, our work isn’t over. But recognizing that the fear is coming from one part of her, and that her current self can separate from that and talk it down, is important. We all carry these different parts of ourselves, sometimes called ego states, and being aware of which part of us is primarily experiencing whatever painful feelings we’re having is a big step in gaining healthy control.
